Good Question: What To Do In Abusive Relationships

*Good question. I would pray a lot in hope that the Lord would give me the answer. Some people are stronger than others; some learn from the abuse and become better than what they saw. Others become what they saw and experienced.

*During some of the most difficult of times with my husband and life partner, a friend sent me the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" written by Stormie O'Martian. It spoke to my heart. It helped me heal. I had to heal before I could forgive.

When struggling to forgive, and feeling quite badly that I just "couldn't" this same friend suggested that perhaps I should ask God to do the forgiving, because I could not. I felt great relief for the first time in a very, very long time. I began to feel less guilty, less sad, and less frustrated. Each day, many times during the day, and as I would lie down to sleep, I would ask God to forgive and love him, because I could not. It helped me to heal. It relieved me of the feelings of angst. For a very, very long time, God did what I could not. Eventually, I learned to let go of past moments and feelings. I was able to begin to love again. I began to see the love that was offered without holding on to the feelings of resentment and pain. Eventually, I was able to begin to forgive and trust. We began to build a new relationship based on the present rather than the past. It took years, but it did happen. He is a good man, a great partner and father. God helped us to make it. Truly a Sacrament. Perhaps that is what the lesson is .... to Let Go, and to Let God... when we are unable to do so. At that time I was reading/praying over daily meditations in the book "The Language Of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. One particular meditation helped immensely, it was titled "Flack from Setting Boundaries"... loosely described it meant (to me) that it was ok for me to set reasonable limits for myself and others. It was also ok that others might give me flack for setting these boundaries. This particular passage spoke to me and offered me a sense of control in my life when I felt I had none. Forgiveness was easier once I felt like I had some control in my life. I felt less the victim. This feeling created a space for forgiveness within my heart.

Forgiveness takes time, sometimes a very long time. And so I pray. And pray. And pray. Being thankful seems to help me to be able to forgive. When I take time to Say Thank You to God for all of my blessings given the human being that I am, I am more likely to be forgiving and find a place in my heart to forgive others. I do better on some days than others. Having a grateful heart seems to help.

I am thankful God is with us each day as we share this journey. Acceptance of each other's ways is not always easy. Love is a choice. Forgiveness seems to follow, with God's abundant help time and time again....

*I have been really afraid to look deeper into your "Healing Our Family Trees." I continue to be on this horrible path of denial and hurt from the hidden secret of 23 years. When I try to come to terms and move on, I seem to return to all the hurt and anger. How do I help myself move forward by taking steps, and not go backwards. I continue to be in the same situation just different location.

*Sometimes it comes down to accepting that there are things you can't change. Leave yourself open to reconciliation, let the family member know you love them, no matter what, but that you can't deal with their actions, and then try to just let it go. One of the hardest things I've ever had to learn is that I can't fix everything, and sometimes you have to leave it in God's hands.

*Sometimes I think that until we recognize and admit our own failings we won't allow others the "freedom?" to make mistakes, especially hurtful ones. Since we are "perfect" why isn't everybody else??? Also, unless there's a common base of values, it's difficult to find common ground for reconciliation. If family relationships are based only on rivalry or jealousy, it's almost impossible for the heart to open to forgiveness. Your advice of finding the good rather than concentrating on the "bad" is exactly what one needs, but sometimes there's too much "trash" to wade through before one can even see the situation with any common sense.

A middle-o'-the-night thought about "wading through the trash", as I mentioned yesterday. 'Way back in the novitiate we used meditation books written by a Mother Fidelis (Notre Dame Sister, I believe). One thought I remember (and hopefully used effectively?) -- when she spoke of ridding ourselves of the "weeds" which were in our hearts -- pulling them one-by-one would take a life-time, but letting the FIRE of God's love burn them would accomplish the job quickly. That might solve the "wading" and "trash" problems, neither one of which is a pleasant pastime, and could get one bogged down or discouraged for a long time! One could carry the simile further and say it also destroys the trash more totally!


*Maybe one has to pray for conversion for that person; deliverance; freeing of any bondage, occult etc., from ancestors.

*Boy, this is tough for me to answer, and frankly I am honest enough to say that I am not the best person to answer this question. What I can do is reflect on what it is my wife must have gone through in terms of trying to deal with me, but also trying to not give up on the love that she had for me and the hope that she had for us. I can offer no advice, since most who would be aware of my circumstances or who had first hand experience of the circumstances probably would think or did think that my wife was nuts for even thinking of staying with me. That hurts me more deeply than anything ever has. I really KNEW inside of me that I loved her deeply and that I could be a great person, but I had severely damaged her trust, and quite frankly the trust of ALL of those around me. I am thankful that with each day that passes I can perhaps show those that are “in the know” how much I have changed, and not only that she and I have survived…..but that we have thrived! I suppose my only answer to your question that I can relate to would be patience, some distance, and faith. With the combination of those 3, at least in my specific case, one has the ability to take a step away, not lose the relationship altogether, and have time to reflect and perhaps pray to better understand what approach should be taken and if it is worth it. I am sorry I cannot offer much more here, but in truth I do not feel fairly qualified to answer the question, and am somewhat embarrassed to even try given that frankly I have been that very family member that you are asking about.

Thank you for the opportunity to have me reflect. It always brings back some degree of pain, but in the end I come away smiling, because I know I have overcome, and it truly is a reminder to me of how blessed I am, and how much there is for me to be thankful for.

*This has been such an incredibly difficult year for me and I am so disappointed that I have allowed myself to create distance between me and God. Please know that I am working on finding my way back.

I find it ironic that you are asking for input on when a family member has caused or is causing more abuse than one can take. As you know, I have been in this situation more times than I care to admit and if your email had come a week ago, I would have responded "you do everything you can to get out of that abusive situation." But a lot has changed in a week. I finally found the time to read "The Shack" and just finished it yesterday. The only thing I can say after reading this book is, WOW. I have a completely different perspective on so many things after reading this book. I realized how powerful and rewarding the gift of forgiveness can truly be and how hatred, anger and bitterness can eat you up inside. I have been walking around angry and bitter this past year and it has allowed me to become someone I don’t like very much. They are all such exhausting emotions. I have decided to relieve myself of these negative emotions and choose to forgive instead. I have chosen not to judge my abusers but to forgive them. And as in "The Shack," just because you choose to forgive does not mean you forget. I learned that I cannot change others but that perhaps leading by example may cause change. I learned that I should "practice what I preach."

So you ask, "what do you do when a family member has caused or is causing more abuse than one can take?" and my answer is "you forgive and you pray."

*Many times there are some cards, e.g. Blue Mountain, that, many times can say things that we cannot say. I frequently use them when I come across/confront/try to make peace with family/friends.

*I strongly believe that if one has tried to talk to that family member, has tried to truly to make peace and find out what really is the root of the problem. and that family member is still bent on causing harm, then I would detach myself completely from that person/problem. We cannot help someone who does not want to be helped or just wants to be in turmoil. But we do have a choice to not allow ourselves to be dragged down and continue to be surrounded by such negativity and abuse because of that family member's behavior. Life is too precious to be in turmoil and surrounded by such negativity. Like the saying goes, we can choose our friends, but we cannot choose our family, but we can choose not to be surrounded by negativity and abuse.