Do You Wanna Dance

A lifetime ago, when we were moving from Windsor, Ontario to Detroit, Michigan, my sixth-grade teacher thought that Canadian schools were a step ahead. So as a parting gift, he “promoted” me to the seventh. Within two weeks of beginning classes in mid-year at Goodale Junior High, I was called into the principal’s office, who promptly announced, “You don’t belong in the seventh grade. We’re placing you in the eighth.”

Neither the studies nor the sports were too demanding, but there was more to school than that. Gym on Fridays, for example, was set aside for Music, Dance, and other social skills. On one such Friday, I was standing by the wall enjoying the music, when I spotted a classmate approaching me. As she got closer, my comfort level began to evaporate. Then it happened. She asked, “Do you wanna dance?” I think I was even too shy to respond.

In my last Blog, some of you wrote that forgiveness is the best response to abusive behavior. And so it is for many reasons, not the least of which is to free oneself from the poison that has entered our minds and bodies, and to begin the healing process. But, I believe we must distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is what we do NOT because the abuser has begun to change or we hope that they will. Forgiveness is given because we discover even more the best in us; the One who is within us. We do it because of WHO WE ARE, not because the other merits it or has asked for it.

One of the things I have learned is that what people think about us, say about us, or do to us, often says more about them than about us. The key is to know oneself and be true to oneself. We see this most clearly in Jesus on the Cross, as he forgives us not because we earned it, or changed from our sinful ways. He simply does it because of who he is and the great love within him.

Reconciliation, on the other hand, (whether with each other or with God) requires that both parties are in accord, both in sync to the same tune, as if dancing together. It is not easy to be attuned to the same music with all, for any number of reasons. Some are not ready for reconciliation. Some may have a low self-esteem, which skews their thinking and leads to anti-social and destructive actions, or they have developed bad, perhaps even violent and explosive, habits, and will need more time to mature in their development. Some simply have a different chemistry or outlook. We cannot force a change in them. Nor is it healthy to force ourselves on them by remaining in a relationship that is not life-giving.

Forgiveness is to love as reconciliation is to like. We can love all and desire the very best for them, while at the same time not necessarily like them because of their behavior, personality, etc. To forgive is to simply enjoy the music and be in harmony with ourselves (and with God). To reconcile is to dance with another, wherein both are moving (or at least want to step) to the same tune.